Why is it that we can never let go of the idea that we need our parent's validation? Well, because they are our parents - duh. I don't care what anyone says -- we all want our parent's approval. We want them to proud of us. Talk about us to their friends (in a good way:). And we want them to like our boyfriends...
So what do you do when your parents don't like your boyfriend? Well, there's a couple of things to consider.
1. Is it just your parents or your friends too? If everyone doesn't like him -- then there's a problem.
2. Is he your boy toy or would you like to marry him and carry his children? If you're just playing, then who cares?
3. Is he rude to your parents? Dump him.
4. Is he shy around your parents? He has potential - give it time.
5. Is it causing problems between you and your parents? Arguments? Well, if he's not hurting you then they are much too involved. It shouldn't be that serious. He's just a boyfriend.
Are you depressed? In a bad relationship? Been cheated on? There are experts waiting to help you RIGHT NOW at GirlShrink.com
Relationship Baggage
Bag lady...you're gonna miss your bus...dragging all them bags like that...
-Eryka Badu
If there is ONE thing that is a relationship disaster waiting to happen, it is a man or woman that brings all of their old relationship baggage into the next relationship.
Now I know that it is a natural human reaction to want to protect yourself - but to really invest in a new relationship takes, well it takes some guts. And there really is no way around it. You are not going to reap positive rewards from only investing a part of yourself into a new relationship. And...
You are definitely going to scare away any suitable partner if all you talk about is how the last guy lied. Or how he was threatened by all your success. Or how he was too controlling. Or how he loved the color brown. Or bla bla bla!
Alert people! The new guy doesn't care. And the new guy won't even begin to care if you talk about him or them too much longer. So what can you do? Well, a few things come to mind.
1. Relax. Try to enjoy this new person for who he is. Get to know him and trust your instincts. If you really think about it, there were some red flags that went up during your last relationship - but you just didn't listen.
2. Don't Compare. Don't freak out if this new guy eats his soup the same way your ex did. It doesn't mean that they are twins who were seperated at birth! It just means that comparing the old with the new -- something which is a no-no when starting a new relationship.
3. Think Before You Speak. Think very carefully about what you are going to say before you say it. Sometimes just thinking about your next comment before you make it will save you from the embarrassment of the new guy losing your phone number:)
4. Finally, if you have been really badly scarred by a previous relationship - then you need to work those issues out with a professional before you move on.
Like the song says - if you keep bringing baggage into your relationships - you are definitely going to miss your bus!
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Are you depressed? In a bad relationship? Been cheated on? There are experts waiting to help you RIGHT NOW at GirlShrink.com
-Eryka Badu
If there is ONE thing that is a relationship disaster waiting to happen, it is a man or woman that brings all of their old relationship baggage into the next relationship.
Now I know that it is a natural human reaction to want to protect yourself - but to really invest in a new relationship takes, well it takes some guts. And there really is no way around it. You are not going to reap positive rewards from only investing a part of yourself into a new relationship. And...
You are definitely going to scare away any suitable partner if all you talk about is how the last guy lied. Or how he was threatened by all your success. Or how he was too controlling. Or how he loved the color brown. Or bla bla bla!
Alert people! The new guy doesn't care. And the new guy won't even begin to care if you talk about him or them too much longer. So what can you do? Well, a few things come to mind.
1. Relax. Try to enjoy this new person for who he is. Get to know him and trust your instincts. If you really think about it, there were some red flags that went up during your last relationship - but you just didn't listen.
2. Don't Compare. Don't freak out if this new guy eats his soup the same way your ex did. It doesn't mean that they are twins who were seperated at birth! It just means that comparing the old with the new -- something which is a no-no when starting a new relationship.
3. Think Before You Speak. Think very carefully about what you are going to say before you say it. Sometimes just thinking about your next comment before you make it will save you from the embarrassment of the new guy losing your phone number:)
4. Finally, if you have been really badly scarred by a previous relationship - then you need to work those issues out with a professional before you move on.
Like the song says - if you keep bringing baggage into your relationships - you are definitely going to miss your bus!
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Are you depressed? In a bad relationship? Been cheated on? There are experts waiting to help you RIGHT NOW at GirlShrink.com
Repeating Bad Patterns From Childhood In Your Relationship
A story by Sarah from Houston, Texas...
"I know a very progressive woman who has several small children, a great career, and a horrible husband.
And although I think he is a rotten person - I pass way more judgement on my friend whom I love because she grew up in an environment much like the one which they have both replicated. A violent home. One very scary for children, as well as herself.
As intelligent as she is - she doesn't really consciously see what she is doing. She always complains about how she was raised. She hates her father. Is mad at her mother for staying. But she is doing the same thing.
And we're not talking about someone without resources. She has other family. She is intelligent. She could move on if she wanted to.
I know I can't say anything to stop her from repeating bad patterns - but how can I stop caring so much?"
Sarah's story sounds like many I have heard over and over. In many ways, not ones as dire as this one, we replicate patterns from our parents' relationships. Ones that were good, and ones that were horribly unhealthy.
The moral of the story is that often we don't even realize we are doing it. If you are shutting down during an argument just like your Mom or you are using other people to run away from what is wrong in your relationship just like your Dad - you need to put a stop to those bad patterns now!
Learn from your past. Use your past to grow. Don't replicate the negative things you learned.
1. Look at your relationship right now - is it on a healthy track?
2. If not, what seems to be the bumps in the road? Communication? Sex? Money? Respect? Validation?
3. How did you parents or parent handle these sorts of issues when they came up in their relationships?
4. What could you do differently?
Sarah originally submitted her question to the Ask GirlShrink Advice Column. It has been edited for publication on this blog.
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Are you depressed? In a bad relationship? Been cheated on?
There are experts waiting to help you RIGHT NOW at www.GirlShrink.com
"I know a very progressive woman who has several small children, a great career, and a horrible husband.
And although I think he is a rotten person - I pass way more judgement on my friend whom I love because she grew up in an environment much like the one which they have both replicated. A violent home. One very scary for children, as well as herself.
As intelligent as she is - she doesn't really consciously see what she is doing. She always complains about how she was raised. She hates her father. Is mad at her mother for staying. But she is doing the same thing.
And we're not talking about someone without resources. She has other family. She is intelligent. She could move on if she wanted to.
I know I can't say anything to stop her from repeating bad patterns - but how can I stop caring so much?"
Sarah's story sounds like many I have heard over and over. In many ways, not ones as dire as this one, we replicate patterns from our parents' relationships. Ones that were good, and ones that were horribly unhealthy.
The moral of the story is that often we don't even realize we are doing it. If you are shutting down during an argument just like your Mom or you are using other people to run away from what is wrong in your relationship just like your Dad - you need to put a stop to those bad patterns now!
Learn from your past. Use your past to grow. Don't replicate the negative things you learned.
1. Look at your relationship right now - is it on a healthy track?
2. If not, what seems to be the bumps in the road? Communication? Sex? Money? Respect? Validation?
3. How did you parents or parent handle these sorts of issues when they came up in their relationships?
4. What could you do differently?
Sarah originally submitted her question to the Ask GirlShrink Advice Column. It has been edited for publication on this blog.
**************************************************
Are you depressed? In a bad relationship? Been cheated on?
There are experts waiting to help you RIGHT NOW at www.GirlShrink.com
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