Why is it that we can never let go of the idea that we need our parent's validation? Well, because they are our parents - duh. I don't care what anyone says -- we all want our parent's approval. We want them to proud of us. Talk about us to their friends (in a good way:). And we want them to like our boyfriends...
So what do you do when your parents don't like your boyfriend? Well, there's a couple of things to consider.
1. Is it just your parents or your friends too? If everyone doesn't like him -- then there's a problem.
2. Is he your boy toy or would you like to marry him and carry his children? If you're just playing, then who cares?
3. Is he rude to your parents? Dump him.
4. Is he shy around your parents? He has potential - give it time.
5. Is it causing problems between you and your parents? Arguments? Well, if he's not hurting you then they are much too involved. It shouldn't be that serious. He's just a boyfriend.
Are you depressed? In a bad relationship? Been cheated on? There are experts waiting to help you RIGHT NOW at GirlShrink.com
33 comments:
I like your article; however in terms of "not linking the boyfriend" there are many degrees of "not liking". For example: what if you are living with your boyfriend, and your mother comes and visits on a relatively long term. They are completely different in character and the way they talk and conflicts are pretty much a daily occurance. You love both, but you know they will never get along the way they should (for many complicated reasons, and no, talking to them does not help), so you feel like you'd have to give up your boyfriend, however you're scared you'll never be loved like that again. what to do in a relationship like that? where you are completely caught in the middle of the guy you're dating, and the mother you love?
Oh Wow. I am in the EXACT same boat. It's sooo hard and I have no clue how to deal with it. It literally is heart-wrenching. I too, feel like I will never find somebody who loves me this much. I also fear my parents will start to want to have nothing to do with me.
Yes. I am facing this exact same situation right now and I have been feeling the same way for 5 years. I still don't know what to do. I have never disappointed my parents but this time, i just seem to fail them. What should i do?
well iv'e been dating this guy for a few months and my parents hate him because of how he looks and they think that hes wrong for me and hardley let me see him. There soo overprotective its rediculous like they have issues with me going out with my friends cause there so afraid that ill go out and see him. So how do i get them to be less overprotective and let them just let me live?
This is literally tearing me apart! I am really close to my Mum and so in love with my boyfriend she just wont make an effort and doesn't think he is right for me!!!! she says he has no goals in life and doesn't act his age??? she doesnt know him like I do they make him feel awkward! that's why he comes out will silly things to break the silence!! we have lived
together for 2 years, been together for nearly 3 and unfortunately we both had to come back home due to financial reasons, just till we get sorted again. He moved in with his mum who only lives 10 min away from me. My boyfriend isn't allowed to stay over (find it so strange) he tries VERY hard with my mum and step dad they just dont try back. I have tried talking to them they dont understand me, they just want him to visit me for a few hours, think we are passed the dating stage, I am 25 he is 35, both adults!!! He is very good to me, has a good heart puts me first, would never cheat or hit me! when I had no job for 3 months he paid all the bills/rent etc on his own! how nice is that, he ain't perfect but tries his best, everyone else really likes him just those 2 , I cry a lot because of this its getting me so down any advice???
Once you and your boyfriend is committed, there is no point in indulging your parents, whether they like him or not. Its your own chariot, the couple has to fix it if it is broken. There's nothing other people can do. They can Just advice you but it's you who makes an effort.
It's hurting so much because my dad hasn't even seen and don't even want to see my boyfriend and decides that he hates him already, even though my boyfriend is eager to see my dad. He said that I'm too young and doesn't know what love is. But I think I'm mature enough because I'll be turning 19 soon and know my rights and wrongs. My boyfriend is a great and caring guy, even though he hasn't been to uni yet, but he still makes an income of 80,000 AUD/annum. My dad knows I love him alot, he just lives by the rules of " guys give love to have sex ". What can I do to make my dad let me love who I want to love and not who he wants me to love? Every little thought of parting him just shreds my heart into pieces. I know I am old enough and I know that our love is real ...
I don't know what to anymore as well . Me and my boyfriend have been dating for the past 2months . He met my mom and everything was good . She seem to like him and didn't hold his past against him . Until all of a sudden she doesn't approve of our relationship to his trying to control me and use me . To I'm a dumbass and stupid for dating a guy who has a daughter . I'm a dumbass for dating a guy who has a past and he doesn't have deserve to be with you and etc . It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to hate my mother because she's now treating me away all because she doesn't like him . He makes me happy , his a great guy , respectful and treats me like a queen . I just don't know what to do anymore . HELP!!!!!!
MONTHS?
Try 5 1/2 years, my mum hates him. She never liked him, then he argued with her (this was when we had only been doing out a few months... over 5 years ago!!) and he wasn't allowed in the house. A year later, I asked if he could come inside to meet my sister and she said "No, I just can't forgive him for what he did". My mum REALLY likes to hold grudges. She hasn't even spoken to her OWN sister for 20 years.
I haven't asked my mum about this in the last 3 years - I don't know what to say. I don't know what she thinks at the moment. And I'm about to go on an overseas trip with him and I don't even know how to tell my mum that. She can't stop me, I'm 24, but I just can't say the words to tell her that she is coming. I think it will cause problems..... it wouldn't be so bad except that I live with my mum.
Ahhh!!!!!!
i know how you all feel. I'm a 34 year old gwm with a 22 year old gwm and we both have HIV. I never fell in love with someone as much as i have fallen in love with him. you know you get the feeling that he's the one and want to be with for the rest of your life. my parents are so against him we live an hour away from each other and everytime we see each other it gets better. he's going through a tough time with his parents also. mine wants to take my car away from me because i'm thinking about moving up where he is or he can move down here with me. either way they're taking the car because they think i can't make it on my own. i have never been so sure about something in my life as much love as i give out it is returned to me. But parents are like he's too young for you and he's going through a rough time and won't give us a chance. i can't help things have moved at a quick pace for us. the more we try to slow it down the faster the pace gets and more obstacles in the way for both of us. him and i have such a bright future for both of us ahead but my parents aren't to thrilled with the ideas i have.
The thing that sucks is that parents judge harshly, and it pushes us away to bring him around. It also is heartbreaking and you feel caught in the middle. It's very hard, but we must all try our best to stand up for our love so that if it ever does fail, we know we tried our best. Don't give up.
<3
I'm facing the same problem,my parents hate my boyfriend...I'm dating a guy fo 6 mnths and love him more than anything in this world,and this is a real love !!! I have not seen any other couples who would have such a great relationship as we do.But my mom doesn't see that,she hates him just for his existance in my life!She doesn't like he's having tattoos and his lifestyle though he's really intelligent and smart, educated and earning enough money.Mum blames him for anything bad that happens with me,it's all his fault!And now she doesn't allow to see him at all but i know he is my everything,my future!
Help!!!What to do?
I can relate to many different pieces of everyone's situations. I'm turning 30 next month. I met my boyfriend in January of this year and we have been together ever since.
My parents have only met my boyfriend once and were around him for like an hour. He came over for dinner. He talked to my Dad, he did the dishes, etc. They don't like how he looks and they say he is the wrong guy for me. My Mom even gave me an ultimatum at one point and said that I needed to choose between her and my Dad and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend is the most amazing person I've ever met. I love his family, his friends, his co-workers etc. All they can say is great things about him which is consistent with everything I've experienced.
My Mom went through time where she would not talk to me unless she said something really mean about my boyfriend. I finally stood up to her and said I love you but he isn't going anywhere. He makes me happy and that's all that should matter.
I was supposed to move back in with them but when all this took place I said that I didn't feel it was in all of our best interests for me to move back in. So, I got an apartment of my own. His parents have also been wonderful and have let me stay there quite a bit.
I went through hearbreak and disappointment that my parents were acting this way. I listened to some people say well it's your parents and maybe they know better than you. I also listened to many others that said this is your life, do what makes you happy. That is exactly what I'm doing. I only go over to their house like every other Saturday. They don't call or text.
Through this whole thing I've seen how much control my parents have had over me all these years. I feel like I'm 30 years old and I can make my own decisions now. I'm happier than I've ever been and I feel that's all that should matter.
I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years and we have a had some rocky times. I definitely fell head over heels in love with him from the first week and always tried to be what he wanted. He is not a bad person or anything but we differ on quite a few levels of compatibility and seem to take each other wrong a lot. On the other hand, we have a deep connection that is hard to even describe. Neither of us really want to ever be with anyone else. My parents and friends have heard my struggles as I vented pretty consistantly over the past couple years. The consensus was that he did not care about me enough and is selfish. I know that he is not perfect,and he is not all selfish. I fear that he is quite misunderstood....even by me at times. Problem is....we just recently had a falling out again and now everyone hates him. I was convinced that we should not be together and all my family and friends think that I have made the right choice.....but I am not so sure. I love him more than anything and feel as though I don't want to give up on him. He does have a lot of great qualities too and I want to focus on those and work on the other things that have bothered me for so long. But I feel like I would literally kill my parents inside if I decided to go to him and make it work. I also have a 6 year old son and they feel he is very wrong for him. I don't disagree entirely, but I have also seen how good he can be too. My boyfriend is five years younger than me, I am 32 he is 27 and has never had a child so I think he doesn't quite understand the commitment and depth of having a child and sometimes I feel he leaves him out or doesn't put the effort I expect into him. I am so torn on what I should move forward with. My parents are so relieved at thinking that I am moving on, but they don't know that inside i don't know if I want to move on without him. I just don't have the heart to put my parents through any more stress. How can this be made right??? Any advice??
My pleasure to come across your blog and read it, keep posting.
I been with my boyfriend for going on two years an my parents ACT all nice in front of him but then wanna look down at him. See he has 3 kids a 7yr old, 5yr old an a 7month old an my parents think his two bm's are gonna hurt me. My mom still calls him my "friend" until its convient for her to say "boyfriend". I live with my parents cause of some money issues but they think I spend too much time with him. His family treats me as a indivisual while my family treats me as somebody's somebody:ex: cousin, neice, daughter; you get the point. I can be myself around his family. He got me going back to church. I love this man so much. I also love his kids an they love me too...what do I do?
Oh My God, I'm so glad people are going through what i am currently going through. My mum has always said he is a bit odd/shy (he isn't) and she picks holes in him where she doesn't need too. We broke up for about 2 weeks after an argument, but the way we love each other couldn't keep us apart for long, no one has ever loved me like this. Although all my friends are pleased i haven't got the heart to tell my parents because he did upset me at the time an my mother became overly protective and i just can't tell her we are back together, i just keep saying we will evaluate it after christmas and she still thinks it might be bad. She firmly tells me follow your heart and go with whats right. He's right. She doesn't like him
It is so tricky because i am torn both ways, and this guy has the potential for marriage and kids, this is a nightmare!!
my parents don't like my bipolar, reocovering addict boyfriend. He's done some things in the past that have been unforgiveable such as stealing $400 from my mom and having some mental breakdowns infront of her causing her to feel threatend. Which is understandable, but she still won't take into consideration that he's now in a mental health recovery center for rehabilitation and (i believe) that he has the capability to get better as long as he is willing to put forth the effort.
I wish she'd let him show her that side of him through actions... So far, I've seen fairly positive changes.
im so glad because i found this site..because my parents was so nice before to my bf then all of a sudden they hate my bf for some reasons,first because they told me that my bf didnt pay attention to them,he's always quiet,doesnt want to talk to them,stingy,selfish,and rude.
Everytime im with my parents they complained about my bf and they told me to think about it how may times.even i knew it that they are right and they had point to hate my bf,because even me i noticed that he was so cold to my parents and i talked to him and gave him some tips and advices but he replied to me that i cant change him anymore,because he already get to used it and he dont want to socialize to anybody except me.then suddnely i get upset of what he replied,then he walked out and he said that i cant change him.Then after that he texted me that wait for sometime and he will change his attitude..i dont know how to handle this situation...
Add me on to this boat and lets pray its sailing towards paradise! My mother and I went out and my boyfriend approached us and that’s how we met. He was perfect for me when we first met she keep saying, “He’s the one for you”. Months went by and something happened and she found out that he isn’t that found of her, but he still tolerates her. When they are together he indulges in conversations, and includes her. She thinks otherwise and says actions speak louder then words! And he nevers says anything bad about her to me, and shes constantly bringing it up and is like if he is in your life I can’t be in your life because he doesn’t like me and I don’t have to tolerate him, hes only tolerating me cause your is gf. She keeps saying things like if you get married and have kids your kids will see the tension and our relationship won’t be the same which tears me apart cause its been me and her since I was 12 when my dad died. She loved him and now cause he doesn’t like her that much she refuses to let it go. It hurts so much. And if I break up with him it will only be for her, and I will always resent it. But she keeps planting things in my head like he talks to that girl on facebook a lot, do you trust him cause I don’t I see potential cheating ect. I trust him, I love him. She doesn’t trust me cause I was in an abusive relationship and didn’t tell her so she doesn’t believe anything I say about him. Hes so amazing and treats me amazing. I’ve never had anyone understand the way I think or function the way I do. With out words he can read my mind it’s amazing. I feel so intune with him. But this mother boyfriend issues and huge strain on me and my mother, it doesn’t affect my boyfriend and I but my mom keeps saying how hes not close to his family he will never be family orientated. I don’t know what to do. Can relationships like this actually last? Or work? Or grow??
Add me on to this boat and lets pray its sailing towards paradise! My mother and I went out and my boyfriend approached us and that’s how we met. He was perfect for me when we first met she keep saying, “He’s the one for you”. Months went by and something happened and she found out that he isn’t that found of her, but he still tolerates her. When they are together he indulges in conversations, and includes her. She thinks otherwise and says actions speak louder then words! And he nevers says anything bad about her to me, and shes constantly bringing it up and is like if he is in your life I can’t be in your life because he doesn’t like me and I don’t have to tolerate him, hes only tolerating me cause your is gf. She keeps saying things like if you get married and have kids your kids will see the tension and our relationship won’t be the same which tears me apart cause its been me and her since I was 12 when my dad died. She loved him and now cause he doesn’t like her that much she refuses to let it go. It hurts so much. And if I break up with him it will only be for her, and I will always resent it. But she keeps planting things in my head like he talks to that girl on facebook a lot, do you trust him cause I don’t I see potential cheating ect. I trust him, I love him. She doesn’t trust me cause I was in an abusive relationship and didn’t tell her so she doesn’t believe anything I say about him. Hes so amazing and treats me amazing. I’ve never had anyone understand the way I think or function the way I do. With out words he can read my mind it’s amazing. I feel so intune with him. But this mother boyfriend issues and huge strain on me and my mother, it doesn’t affect my boyfriend and I but my mom keeps saying how hes not close to his family he will never be family orientated. I don’t know what to do. Can relationships like this actually last? Or work? Or grow??
Hi guys, hope the situation is getting better for all of u. I
Know wot ur saying though - it's a relief to hear that we are not alone in this situation and that others go through similar problems.
I've been having a hard time recently cos my mum and bf fell out majorly a few days ago. We have been together for 8 years and they have always gotten along with each other, were really close at some points.
In the last few months bf been going through some internal
Issues which have him acting out towards me by trying to bully me a bit. I don't allow him to and so we have been having arguments about it quite a lot lately. He was never like this before, it's quite a recent thing over last few months. My mum has seen this side to him and has grown to dislike him.
I asked them to talk about it so it could get sorted but they ended up arguing and falling out even worse. No she doesn't want him in the house and he doesn't want to make the effort either and I feel like I'm in the middle. My mum asked me not to co tinny with him and I said I won't abandon him in his time of issues and she said I obviously had my priorities.
With him, we have talked about counselling and strategies for wen he is feeling stressed or angry not to take it out on me and I hope this works with the therapy cos I do not want to have to constantly be standing up for myself.
The thing is that this change is quite recent and my mum knows that he wasn't like this before.
I have always felt that I need to keep my mum happy from wen I was a child and I don't think that's fair that I have to go out of my way so much or that I have to think about everything that I do in case she doesn't like it. I feel like I'm looking for too much validation and wrn things aren't right with her I can't get on with my life. I feel that she has toouch of a hold on me and always has had.
After writing this, I'm feeling a bit angry and upset that I keep looking for her approval and that if I don't get it then my life isn't quite right. I suppose also because I can't control the situation and make it right it makes me feel helpless as I want them to get on the way they used to. I'm 24, he is 26 and we have been living together for 6 years now. So it is serious.
Any help, suggestions, advice welcome. Thanks in advance
I am now in the same situation as everyone else I have been with this guy for almost 4 years now and my parents still hate him I don't get it! They do it to every guy that I go with. This one is different though because I truly do love him, if it was anyone else the first argument we have I gap it as fast as possible but this one we sort through our differences and keep going stronger then ever before. So why do my parents not see this and why do they keep harping on at me about silly little things that don't even matter in this big world? My parents don't know how much I feel for this man and how much I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. If you have any tips on my situation could you please let me know.
Thanks
PLEASE READ THROUGH I HAVE A SUGGESTION AT SOME POINT LATER
I'm currently in a similar situation...except that that hasn't happened, yet. The thing is, I'm currently having a backstreet relationship because my parents think I'm still too young to have a relationship, they told me when i was 15, and i'm now almost 20 and I still get that feeling so I can't tell them. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and he's such a great guy and I'm sure my parents will definitely approve of him IF he weren't a different race (I'm asian, so expect this kind of attitude from parents). But because HE IS, now I have almost no confidence in telling it to my parents. I know I haven't tried, but I can't do it. I mean, I'm close to my parents in so many ways, but I've never talked about my problems nor love to them, especially the latter, it's all because they think I'm too young for that so if I mention it one of these days they will just scold me for having a relationship (maybe because they only started dating each other at about 23 so they think the same applies to me). And this thought occurs to me because I read a friend's mum posted his picture in fb, with caption: my son who always makes me proud. I don't want to disappoint my parents.. but I know I can't give up my boyfriend, we've had some rough times but in the end we just can't be without each other. Even now we're currently in a ldr coz I'm studying abroad (my own choice), and we're enduring this because it's not worth giving up.
Now I come across this site and after reading some posts, everyone is asking the same question.. but no one's answering. I tought quite hard and then I remember reading this book, there was a teen girl wanted to buy a somewhat revealing top but she knew her mum would not pay for it, so what she did was showing her mum an awfully revealing piece of clothing first (which was of course unapproved of), so that the one she wanted looked not too bad. DO YOU THINK THIS WILL WORK? Even if your parents have seen and disliked your current boyfriend, but you could pretend moving on (with a horrible one). I know it's a bit deceiving but don't you think it will show your parents that, he's not that bad, especially if your parents hate him just because 'just because'. And it's such a relieve if you can be together with your boyfriend with your parents' consent, right? There will be no more burden whatsoever, isn't that the goal? Well, it's just a suggestion.. what do you think?
sigh..yeah..its really hard..im on the same situation and..i just dont know what to do i've messed up too many timesn they keep telling me not to talk to him ..but i still want him..i love him.
Ok. Ive known my man for more than 6 years, so It's not like hes a complete stranger I just met. Her use to have it real good. Car, money no kids and everything. Now he's going through some down falls, but still has a good job, auesome money and 2 kids. The kids are no problem to me because I have a child as well. I love his daughters like they were my own. Now that he doesnt have a car, my mom getting pissed about picking me up and taking me over there, but him or I always supply gas money. AZnd she evn offers to pick me up, but after she s.does, she comes back home and complains to myu dad about wasting gas coming to get me. It's not so much my mom tho. My dad is a hypocrit. Heuse to smoke and get drunk and everything when he was ypunger and doesn't regret it, buty my boyfriend only smokes. And he even stopped smoking cigartettes when i told him that my parents would always trip when I came home smelling like it. No one's perfect, dad.I feel like he just want something to talk about. thats the only time he talks to me if its about my man. If hes trying to find more ways to have communication with me, he shouldn't use my man as an excuse. What do you think. I don't think I should let my man go. He respects, cares, loves and adores me and will do anything for me. My dad's just being bitter. I still want opinions.
Is anybody going to say something about what to do.. Im in the same pit over the last 4 years.. And my mom literally detests my guy.. Just because he's not that qualified or whatever. Baseless topics. Shes just adamant that he's no good and she won't have anything to do with me! What do i do.??
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a week now. We've been good friends for around 4 months and both had the same feelings for eachother. He's 2 years older than me and an addict, my parents don't like him or trust him and think I can do better. But they've only met him once and that was a couple of months ago. He's such a good boyfriend and so understanding but my I'm scared that my parents will make me finish him or that he will get tired of me cancelling on him or not talking to him because of them and finish me :( I don't know what to do.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a week now. We've been good friends for around 4 months and both had the same feelings for eachother. He's 2 years older than me and an addict, my parents don't like him or trust him and think I can do better. But they've only met him once and that was a couple of months ago. He's such a good boyfriend and so understanding but my I'm scared that my parents will make me finish him or that he will get tired of me cancelling on him or not talking to him because of them and finish me :( I don't know what to do.
Suggestions for what to do:
First think about if you REALLY want to be with this guy. If he's absolutely the one. If so sit down with your folks and express how much you love them- and always will as your parents. But that you also love this man. He's an important part of your life too. As an adult you are empowered to make your own choices (and mistakes). Make an effort to hang out with your parents without your fellow, and steer the conversation away from him if they try to bash him. As tough as it is, sharing too much information about how a relationship is going with parents can create a difficult situation if you make-up with the guy later. I try and share with my guy one on one, address difficult issues with him first. Try to resolve them with him. If you need advice only involve friends for their opinions on boyfriend matters.
If you have doubts about this guy being in your life for the long term actually listen to why they don't like him. Really listen, don't interrupt with "he's not" just hear it. Find out if some of their concerns are your concerns. Maybe there is something there that is hard to face- but maybe you need to hear it. Not all guys are right for you. You cannot change a man. You can't expect a great dane to be a lap dog, you know? People are the way they are. I usually use this parameter: if he has awesome friends and a good family who like him he's a good guy. If he has no friends or bad friends or really bad relations with all of his family he's got some issues.
If you are young, say under 25 think hard about dating a guy with kids or a really tough past. It will be a lot to take on in your life. It's like dating an entire family. Or dating a man plus his demons. There are plenty of less complex situations to be in, and better places to be. You want time in your life to find yourself. Do the things you want to do. Become the woman you want to be. If you are with a mate that cannot support your growth it will not be good for you. Everyone needs a partner that can support them.
Best of luck,
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