Should You Avoid Conflict In Your Relationships?

My thoughts on this have long been brewing because I am a naturally combative person. Only verbally of course. But I do love a good debate. So I wonder sometimes if my thinking is a little skewed -- a little biased towards the confrontation. So I thought about it some more and I realized that I love the debate because as a child I was very non-confrontational.

I wanted all my friends to like me and I didn't want any trouble. Now while that is true for most kids -- it doesn't matter when you're living it. I knew even then...that I wasn't in my full power. I didn't like living in this non-confrontational bubble. I felt there were things I wanted to say that were never heard. I didn't have a voice.

So as I grew older and learned to speak up -- I realized that while it didn't solve every problem -- it did do something even more powerful. People heard me. People listened. People remembered me. And soon...people began to respect me for that. Your opinion...your thoughts... is all you have at the end of the day.

So to hold them back. To stifle them. To keep them locked up at the very bottom of your throat -- is not good. And probably can lead to all sorts of health problems if you ask me!

While I don't want to go out here and ruin anyone's marriage -- I also know that you need to think about the quality of that union if you are incapable of listening to the truth or at least someone's truth. If your relationship - your life is really "all that", you should be able to hear it all and then react like a normal human being -- not a stepford wife!

Live in much as you can...that's all I'm saying:)


Chanee said...

You SHOULD NOT avoid conflict in your relationship. I think you should be tactful, make sure you're alone as opposed to putting on a show and let your partner know how you feel.

For the past 2 years I've been dating a detective. Very often he works long hours and part-time jobs so time for us is scarce, yet he would always end up at a bar after getting off work as opposed to coming home. For a long time I was understanding, tip toed around his feelings and said nothing to keep the peace, being mindful of the fact he was "TIRED". Then one day I just couldn't take it anymore. At the back of my mind I knew it was another woman and it was. I gave him an all or nothing ultimatum and we're distant but I feel so much better not being played the fool. Had I stayed quite, this would have gone on for months even years....


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mshaw said...

Have you always felt like this?

mshaw said...

Hi! As to your statement, my answer would be no you shouldn't avoid because once you left that argument or misunderstanding it could only get worse and you might not be able to save your relationship.

Garth Mintun said...

As a psychotherapist, I agree with you it is better to talk to your significant other and not avoid conflict. However there are many people who do not avoid conflict, but confront the same way each time and make the same mistakes. As we all know, it take two to form a pattern and a couple locked into a pattern that does not lend itself to communication is not much different then avoiding conflict. So, in summary, I believe that it is important confront in different ways and find a way that the other can hear. Try many ways to communicate your feelings or concerns with your spouse. I enjoyed your blog, thanks!

Online Information said...

You should not avoid conflict, it creates a dynamic where people know that you are afraid of it and they will take advantage of you. It also sets the relationship off balance.


bukkyodumade said...

Hi,u should not aviod conflict in your relationship.There is a sayig that goes thus "WE DISAGREE TO AGREE".Dont pick up quarrel all the time, but there are times u really ve to dig it out with your partner,may be on delicate and important issues which you must resolve.Conflict is inevitable in a relationship,i mean it cannot be avoided as far as both partners are human.Conflict,when resolved brings about harmony betweent the parties involved and mutual understanding.Conflict is not harmfull but it brings about resolution.So dont avoid conflict.but try as much as possible to resolve it mutually when it occurs.Thank you.

Josh said...

Hey nice post... I wanna share a funny incident involving my friend, Amit(Name changed) and his wife, Shalini (Name changed). Both of them are very busy working professionals. Amit on one hand never used to enter the kitchen to help his wife nor did he like to go to market and buy groceries and Shalini on the other hand constantly scolds him for not helping her on households. He was so frustrated with his life and he asked me to give him a solution. I gave him a suggestion to buy groceries online at He thought of giving it a shot and started shopping. He wanted to surprise her and so had ordered the groceries to be delivered before her arrival. When she reached home she was surprised to see that he had bought groceries for a week. Shalini now feels that he is so responsible and helpful. He is a smart guy and till date has never revealed that he was buying them online. He is so relieved these days from her constant nagging and continues his smart work! ;) :D

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Cameron B Sharpe said...

Sounds like you are perfecting your "Art of Aloneness" - good work! Continue to share in your journey along the way. I think all that you are looking for is not only reasonable, but necessary! And the fact that you KNOW and can pinpoint these attributes is truly half the battle. If you were to ask me to write a mirror blog post about what I am "looking" for, I'm not sure I could, so celebrate your achievement. It's harder than it looks!
And of course, good luck in your journey. She's out there. said...

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.

Relationship said...

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