Relationship Depression

What To Do About Your Relationship Depression

There is something really different and difficult about the type of depression that you can see in a relationship. For one, not a lot of people take it seriously because many people don't thing that a relationship is reason enough to be "depressed". Many people feel that death of a loved one is a good reason. Loss of income/job is a good reason. But not a "bad" relationship or the "end" of a relationship. Somehow, people many people dismiss that pain as something less.

Yet if you've ever been in a relationship, you know that isn't the case. Depression in or after a relationship is very real and can be very devastating. Here are some case study examples, perhaps you connect with one of these scenarios. (*Names have been changed for privacy)

Case Study 1 - Regina and Mark
Regina and Mark are a couple who are in their 20s and have been in a relationship for 3 years. Their relationship was pretty steady and dependable according to both of them until Mark was offered a job on in Texas (they lived in Connecticut). They decided that they wouldn't let the move end their relationship and continued to see each other exclusively.

Mark moved to Texas but 9 months into the move he had an affair with a new co-worker. He confessed to Regina and Regina ended the relationship. Regina has not been able to sleep, has been crying at random times of the day, eats irregularly, and was been put on probation by her job for poor performance since the split. The split was 6 months ago.

This is not just the "blues". What Regina is experiencing is normal when you've suffered what I call a "relationship injury". She is so angry that Mark moved, that Mark cheated, and that her relationship is no longer what she can depend on -- she turned all that anger inward and became clinically depressed.

I recommended that Regina seek weekly therapy immediately and begin a weekly exercise ritual of either Yoga, Walking, or dancing.

Case Study 2 - Ursula and Ben
Ursula and Ben are a married couple in their 30s. They have been married for 5 years. For three of those five years, Ben has been drinking alcohol excessively. After work. With meals. Before bed. Every day. His behavior when he drinks is starting to take a serious toll on their marriage. While he is able to maintain his job, it's about all he can do. When he comes home he is really unable to engage Ursula.  He drinks and plays on the computer until it's time for bed. Ursula wants to have a baby but is worried that she would be bringing it into an unhappy home.

This is not just what "men do". This is someone (Ben) who is depressed and is medicating himself with alcohol to manage the psychological pain that accompanies depression. Why he is depressed is a bigger issue that should be discovered and worked through in therapy and no big life decisions should be made between Ursula and Ben (like having a baby) until this issues including the alcohol use are addressed.

If you feel that you may be depressed because of something going on in your relationship or after a bad break up, take it seriously. Sure, sometimes time can heal a lot of things, but it's better to make sure that you will treat yourself safely during the time that it takes you to heal. Sometimes it's important to discuss your feelings in an effort to forgive yourself or the other person in order to heal. In that case, I recommend that you talk to a counselor or therapist in your local area. Other options are a a spiritual leader in your community, a trusted family member or friend.

Should Your Fiance Sign A Prenup?

More and more women are entering the workforce making competitive salaries and/or starting their own successful businessess. In many cases, women are out-earning many of the men they are dating, and falling in love with men who make 10, 40, even 100,000 dollars less than they do.

So what's a girl to do when she's ready to marry? Is it necessary to do anything necessary to protect her financial security? Should her fiance sign a prenup? I think that a woman could make a strong case for either scenario.

Sign It!
If you choose to create a prenup for your fiance to sign, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. To protect the financial security that you have created for yourself thus far. Anything that you two do together or make during the marriage should be fair game.

Make sure that this is not about a lack of trust issue on your end - especially if this is your first marriage. Perhaps you've heard some "horror stories" and you are a little frightened of becoming destitute if things end badly. Remember though that you should be marrying someone who you trust, who supports you, who adores you, and who is already self-sufficient financially.

Women who should consider a prenup are those who have already been through a bad divorce, have young children, or have a fiance that would be more comfortable signing one.

*Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are an example of a couple who should have had a prenup in place. Most of Britney's wealth was acquired before they met, and her husband didn't appear to be fiancially solvent prior to their union.

Don't Sign It!
Asking a man to sign a preup can be offensive and can really mess with a man's ego. So first, you need to ask yourself if you have this type of man. If you know that he is already sensitive about the fact that your salaries are not equal (or that he isn't making more), you should probably expect some resistance to the idea of a prenup. Or worse, you have someone who is offended but doesn't say anything and harbors resentment for the next year or even longer!

In this case, if you choose not to create a prenup for your upcoming union, just make sure that you are marrying a man that you trust will do the "right" thing even if things end up badly. For instance, if you divorce and you have primary custody of the children - will he demand to be bought out which in some cases leads to having sell the house. Or can you both come to an agreement on how he will move and you stay in the family home with the children. Think about the moral character of the man you are marrying - and most of all - trust your gut.

Setting Your New Year’s Intentions for Experiencing Great Intimacy

"Hi everyone. This is a guest article from a wonderful author and fellow relationship expert. Please enjoy..."

Setting Your New Year’s Intentions for Experiencing Great Intimacy
By Karinna Kittles-Karsten

Are you ready to experience a great love life this year?

Great intimacy consists of a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection shared between two people who both desire and are willing and capable of being great lovers to each other. If you are ready to have such a relationship, then this is a perfect time to set your intentions for having a great love life this year.

If You Are Single:

It is important to know what you want physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in a partner so that you can easily identify the right one for you. Set your intentions to attract your right partner based on your findings.

For instance, your intention may be to have a passionate and meaningful sexual relationship, an easy, emotionally communicative relationship, and/or a strong spiritual relationship sharing your own beliefs, rituals, and practices together.

Also include your personal intentions for growing as the right partner for someone else this year. Your personal intentions can include: more humor, a greater ability to be honest and honor your needs, to feel more confidence with your physical body, and/or to have more fun with your sexual expression.

If You Are in a Relationship:

Intentions can be made on your own, but they can be even more valuable to your relationship if they are made with your partner. Talk about what you would like to enhance in your relationship together.

For instance:
Do you want to create more quality, intimate time with your lover?
Would you like to have more romance or more dates with your lover?
Do you want to have better, more exciting and/or more frequent sexual intimacy?
Do you want to create a spiritual relationship with your lover?
What else would you add to these intentions?
What areas of deeper intimacy in you needs to be developed to make your intentions for your relationship happen?

Make your intentions and then make them a reality with your lover this year!

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About The Author: Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized relationship expert and author of the new best-selling book "Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love." Her appearances on TV, radio, and in print has helped millions develop better intimacy and create more satisfying relationships. For more information go to SacredLove.com at: http://www.sacredlove.com/

Why Halle Berry Is Not Getting Married

Couples like Halle Berry and her partner (model Gabriel Aubrey) are among the many couples who are deciding to "set up shop" but not necessarily tie the knot!

Many couples are choosing to be in monogamous relationships, live together, and have children - but not get married because of various reasons - but the biggest reason is one which may have developed completely in their heads.

Ask many of these couples, and a fair share of them have had plenty of heartache and disappointments with partners. Halle Berry has had two failed marriages as well as several other high-profile relationships that ended badly. Publicly announcing (on the Oprah™ Show) that she will never marry again, is a way to create an emotional wall of defense for herself.

The real point here is that marriage means many things to different people, and it is true that when couples marry, that they have certain "expectations" of what it means to be married. Clearly, her previous husbands did not meet her expectations nor did she meet theirs. And that happens...

But what she has also decided, is that perhaps something "happens" when she takes a relationship to the marriage level and has decided to avoid it entirely.

What you can learn from this though - is that nothing in particular happens to any one couple BECAUSE they got married. It's people's beliefs and expectations of marriage, and the ability OR inability to meet those expectations, that shape the future outcome of the relationship.

If you are considering whether marriage is right for you...you have to ask yourself: 1. What do I expect from marriage?
2. What kind of wife would I be?
3. What kind of husband would I be?
4. What do I expect from my partner?
5. What have I learned about marriage from my own parents?
6. What did I see growing up?
7. What did I dream would be different?
8. Ultimately, what kind of partnership do I want to create?

Knowing yourself FIRST, and who your partner is second - is key to entering a commitment as serious as marriage. Expecting your marriage to resemble any other marriage that you've seen or witnessed in your family or in books or television - is fatal. Or hoping that your marriage will miraculously be a "trouble-free" one is niave.

What's my point here? It troubles me when I hear high-profile personalities claim that not getting married is the key to their successful unions (Halle Berry, Oprah Winfrey, Susan Sarandon, Goldie Hawn). It gives the impression that the issue is the institution of marriage - when really it is the belief system of the two people that entered in that marriage.

Marriage is great folks...if you believe that it will be and if you are willing to put the work in to keep it that way.

Does Your Mate Act Like A Baby When Sick?

I know this is just dead a#@! wrong, but my husband acts like a BIG baby when he is sick...and it drives me crazy:)

Well it could be that he acts like a baby or that women (for the most part:) just get up, dust themselves off, and keep it movin' when we are sick. Even when we are really sick. Because you know what? Stuff will not get done if we don't do it!

Whatever your role is in the home...people depend on you to do it. Your husband. Your children. Your pets. Your parents. Your in-laws. The babysitter. The gardener. Whoever.

And let's not even talk about calling out sick from work - forget about it!

So while I know we LOVE our partners and really wish that they didnt' feel so under the weather - when they do - let's take a little pity on ourselves too. Listening to all that complaining, fetching all that soup and orange juice, when we know that when the shoe is on the other foot -- we MAY get mediocre service at best! OR we get pretty good service with an attitude:)

Well ladies -- that's part of survivin' these relationships that we soooo love! In the meantime, slip him some echinacea every morning:)

Would You Date Someone 20 Years Older or Younger?

There are several famous couples who have done it with great success. And thousands more in the "real world" who have done it as well...

What is it?

Dating someone 20 years older or younger.

Does it work? What are the obstacles? Is it really a big deal or no deal at all?

We talked about this topic in the most recent issue of my relationship newsletter - The Better Choices Ezine. Have you subscribed yet? (Go to the pink box to the right:)

What are your thoughts on these types of relationships? Do you have any personal experience of success or failure?


Let's get real...

Should You Avoid Conflict In Your Relationships?

My thoughts on this have long been brewing because I am a naturally combative person. Only verbally of course. But I do love a good debate. So I wonder sometimes if my thinking is a little skewed -- a little biased towards the confrontation. So I thought about it some more and I realized that I love the debate because as a child I was very non-confrontational.

I wanted all my friends to like me and I didn't want any trouble. Now while that is true for most kids -- it doesn't matter when you're living it. I knew even then...that I wasn't in my full power. I didn't like living in this non-confrontational bubble. I felt there were things I wanted to say that were never heard. I didn't have a voice.

So as I grew older and learned to speak up -- I realized that while it didn't solve every problem -- it did do something even more powerful. People heard me. People listened. People remembered me. And soon...people began to respect me for that. Your opinion...your thoughts... is all you have at the end of the day.

So to hold them back. To stifle them. To keep them locked up at the very bottom of your throat -- is not good. And probably can lead to all sorts of health problems if you ask me!

While I don't want to go out here and ruin anyone's marriage -- I also know that you need to think about the quality of that union if you are incapable of listening to the truth or at least someone's truth. If your relationship - your life is really "all that", you should be able to hear it all and then react like a normal human being -- not a stepford wife!

Live in truth...as much as you can...that's all I'm saying:)