When he says he can't be monogamous

I must say. I do appreciate when a man can be honest about his feelings. His philosophies on life. His past. Honesty is really the key to sustaining any real relationship. But are we ready to handle the truth about a man and his feelings on being monogamous?

Just the other day - a friend of mine said that she saw an old boyfriend from high school at a restaurant. He looked great and asked her to join him at his table. They talked about old times, and of course caught up on their lives.

She left that dinner with his address, phone number, and a time and place for their next date. He was so excited about their reunion that he called her later that evening. He wanted to talk more. She was just as elated to hear from him. So they talked for about 90 minutes, and during that conversation he felt the need to be upfront on one of his realizations on life.

He told her that he didn't believe monogamy worked. That is was just too much pressure to put on people in today's society. He said that he wanted to be upfront about it because he knew that a lot of women had problems with this way of thinking. He also added that he could already see that she was "forward thinking" and not weighed down by traditional norms of society. Uh - what? Anyway, she told me this whole story and ended it by saying that they seemed to have such a connection, that she was willing to at least explore the relationship and see where it might head.

She said that she herself had cheated on boyfriends in the past - and that he may have something. Hey, at least he was honest.

Well ladies - he does get an A for honesty. And maybe even an A for effort. And hey, let's throw one more in for the sheer confidence you must have in yourself to even lay that out on the table so early in the game.

But I had to tell my friend that she was setting herself up. Of course it all looked good now - but once she got in deep and started really having feelings for this man - she would want him for herself. Its how we are raised in this society - and whether it is the best system or not - it is the system we have. Does that mean I am a conformist? Well, maybe. But more so it means that I am just not into man sharing. And I'm all about impulse control. Hey, if I have a nice pair of diamond earrings, but see a pair of ruby ones I like too but can't afford - am I going to take them because I think that I should have them? Uh - no.

I'm not telling what you to do. Each person has to live their own lives. But I've heard it a million times. You know the truth. It isn't the greatest truth to hear. But you overlook it for a few months or even a year or so - until one day you realize that you should have never accepted that truth into your life. You should have stood behind your own philosophies. Your own truths. And only accept what you know makes sense to you.

Much Success!

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eakspecial said...

What you said is brilliant. It doesn't make him right for you just because he is telling you the thuth. You must have your own standards, values and believes. Only when he has similar standards, values and believes he becomes right for you.

Sarah Campbell said...

This made me feel a LOT better.

I just last night got talking to this guy who seemed super great. Really nice, talented, close by, funny...confident. The whole package. Then the hard truth hit me. He told me he was poly and not into monogamy.

We got talking about just that. I pointed out I never found the idea of sharing partners or having more than one partner appealing at all. I am a jealous person by nature and for the longest time I felt that part of me was wrong for being this way. Not to say exs in the past didn't use this jealous as a reason to knock me aside.

Now I've come to the worry that wanting him to be monogamous with me and not be poly is making me feel that I am wrong. He told me he can be monogamous and wants us to see if we fit which I really wouldn't mind at all. The issue is...will the day arrive where he approaches me saying he found someone he ALSO wants to be with.

There is no question in my mind what my answer would be: N-O. I do not share and I would never want to have my love shared either between him and another man. It's not my thing.

Looking up this kind of thing online seems to warrant an onslaught of "Pro-Poly" posts about how the monogamous person should learn to accept the poly person and How-To lists are everywhere. Perhaps this is because the poly person is the more socially odd one in society, but why is it the monogamous person always has to be the one to seriously compromise? It seems a bit unfair that people are so quick to defend the poly person when EVERYONE easily points out the pain and suffering the mono person deals with. They all get it, but they never suggest a way to keep the relationship monogamous and the poly person happy. It just isn't there.

For a monogamous woman wanting to try dating a poly man, the favor seems unbalanced towards his lifestyle. I feel as though this possible relationship is like your friend, a pointless attempt that will only end in heartbreak.